February 2012
14 posts
6 tags
“91% of men say they’d pay $1,000 to make sure what happens at a bachelor...”
– Cosmopolitan taunts us with a statistic sure to make women everywhere fret over whether their guy is cheating on them at a party, undoubtedly so that they can capitalize on this later and write an article like “50 Ways to Tell Your Guy is Cheating” or “What He’s Really Doing...
4 tags
“The lip bite brings out his inner caveman. Why? It causes blood to rush to your...”
– Cosmopolitan on “Guys Decoded: Why He Loves When You Bite Your Lip,” as it continues to demean men and consistently refers to them as “caveman” and “animalistic” and reinforces the idea that women should merely exist to give men an ego boost (p. 88, March 2012)....
1 tag
sheela-na-giggles asked: I'm pretty sure you are my new #1 favorite blog of all time.
3 tags
“It may seem a little retro, but the simple act of allowing your guy to forge a...”
– Cosmopolitan takes the advice of some boring, basic man simply because he has a PhD and wrote some shitty book and tells women that they should probably act less forward so your man can feel better about himself (p. 64, March 2012).
kichong asked: just found your blog here. read the FAQ. and the only thing I have to say is : you go girl~ sorry if this message seems weird to you :)) to make it up to you, i wish you and your boyfriend a nice valentine's day tomorrow. :D
6 tags
12 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Even if I say no, I want sex; I...
Are you a man?
Are you tired of your silly woman turning down your sexual advances?
Do you want to know how to get her to bang you even when she totally doesn’t want to and has respectfully said as much?
You’re in luck! Cosmopolitan.com has written a guide for YOU, “How Guys Can and Should Turn Any Mood Into Sexytime.”
1) She is: Excited.
As she’s surfing an...
1 tag
sofarfromshameless asked: Co-plugging each other's blogs now? But more importantly, 1) You posted a hand-hug gif and I almost died because I've been looking for that gif everywhere. 2) We should team up together and create a "When suddenly... DILDOS!" meme. It would be magnificent. I still love everythin about you, and every time I talk to you, I fall more in love. Stop being perfect. You're making...
4 tags
I married a Nice Man, not a "Nice Guy."
shesarejector:
blueandbluer:missworded:
Nice Man - makes dinner because he’s an adult and the adults in the household do chores because food is necessary for not dying.
“Nice Guy” - makes dinner because he wants you to fuck him.
Nice Man - puts you in bed after you’ve had too much to drink because people who care about one another behave in compassionate ways. Plus maybe the next day he can...
1 tag
sofarfromshameless asked: Hey! I just stopped by again to do a little check up on your awesome blog. Perfect as always! Something funny happened while I was reading it, so I thought I would just tell you that I made a post about that something and gave you a little shout out. XD I hope this brings more people to your blog, and even though I only have ~135 followers, hopefully, one of them will check you out. Stay awesome....
10 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Secret Ways to Find Out He's Into...
Asking guys if they’re into you is far too bold and, quite frankly, logical. So Cosmo presents a small article detailing “3 Clues He’s Secretly Into You” (Feb. 2012, p. 64):
1) He makes the okay sign.
Cosmo says he might make this unconscious “approval gesture,” which means, YOU’RE IN LUCK. He approves of your ugly face!
2) His thumbs point...
10 tags
“Shocker: This word is a turn-off to guys. It’s not marriage or period....”
– Cosmopolitan Magazine defines what it means to be “sexy” and “girlie” and that’s hiding things from your guy, even small things, like saying FUCK. (Feb. 2012, p. 65)
11 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Guys Who Lack Stereotypical...
Nothing is worse than a man who doesn’t act like a meat-eating, tool-loving, chest-pounding, sex-obsessed man’s man. I hope you said that last part in your mind in a very gruff, deep voice because those are the only kind of men who matter. If I cut into you and you don’t bleed bacon, you need to go. I will not have a man who doesn’t do things like fix my plumbing, if you...
4 tags
“Johnny Depp wearing nail polish is maybe okay because, well, he’s damn...”
– Cosmopolitan Magazine calls this a “Questionable Guy Trend” and shows us its narrow-minded view of what men should look like by hoping they don’t start doing something silly like being feminine. (Feb. 2012, page. 62)
January 2012
8 posts
1 tag
littlebradshaw asked: Hi I'm a new follower to this blog and I've got to say this is an absolutely fantastic sarcastic commentary on the somewhat misogynist magazine, Cosmopolitan. I'm assuming you've already seen that Dakota Fanning, a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL, is on the cover of this month's issue. Is it just me or is that appalling? Keep up the hilarious rants my dear - hopefully this will...
letsknife asked: i can't even express my gratitude...
2 tags
Mod Post: Just an update.
Hey all.
Just a few quick things:
I changed the layout and hopefully it’s a bit more organized/readable. If the coloring is weird for anyone, please let me know!
I also added a “tags” page, which finally divides posts into analysis, asks, mod posts, quick hits, reblogs, thanks cosmo, and trolls (which I thankfully haven’t had to use yet).
I hope to do more quick hit...
18 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Don't Touch His Stuff. Unless...
As per my last ask, let’s look at Cosmo’s brilliantly penned article, “His Biggest Turnoffs.” I know what you’re thinking — haven’t we covered this like a bajillion times? He’s turned off by the things I wear, and yuckiness like my period, and how my crying kills his boner.
But the list of things that turns him off is never ending and Cosmo, ever...
1 tag
zombieravenation asked: So (unfortunately) I follow Cosmo on facebook, since normally it makes me laugh uncontrollably. But today they posted this article: cosmopolitan(.)com/sex-love/relationship-advice/his-biggest-turn-offs and frankly I'm pretty offended by the way they're going about putting the whole message across, so I thought I'd send it to you and hear your take on it! (also: I swear, Cosmo just...
11 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Wait, What? Sometimes Guys Don't...
Cosmo’s been telling us since forever that guys always want to have sex. Their grandma could be on fire and they’d be like, “I think we’ve got some time to fuck before the firefighters arrive. You down?”
But in their 2011 article round-up, Cosmo directs us to their piece, “The Surprising Reasons He Turns You down for Sex.”
Color me as confused as...
1 tag
sofarfromshameless asked: I quite literally just swooned over everything you've said in this blog. You are a mastermind and I love everything you've done here more than air. Oh. Lawd. I've been making fun of Cosmo since I was 16 and pointing out their shame-you-into-(insert random normal act here) tactics just as long. You're way better at it than I am though, and I love you. So. Much. <3
2 tags
December 2011
8 posts
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Hello :) today I was reading through my old cosmo magazines (I thought you'd be interested in this) and I got to the August 2010 issue and found the article, "Bound back (fast) from a bad health move" which at first glance looks like a really good article, but then you look at the picture and it's a girl sitting eating pizza in pyjama's, surrounded by pigs. Now, this is...
17 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: How to Properly Hate Scarlett...
Scarlett Johansson graces the cover of Cosmo’s January 2012 issue. On it, she’s posed in a purple, lacy dress that looks like lingerie (which, quite frankly, I covet, and it needs to find a way into my closet, seriously) and the headline beside her name says: “The Love Rule She Now Swears By.”
It totally makes sense for them to dress her up in something that looks like...
1 tag
gudiyarani asked: Love your blog, it's fantastic. My life would be nothing without satire! Anyway, I propose you start a new magazine/website called Posmocolitan and continue your lovely articles there! We'll make it just as famous as The Onion :)
19 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: American Women Are Unsexy.
Because I’m reading the U.S. version of Cosmopolitan magazine, one might assume that Cosmo thinks women from the U.S. have something going for them.
But the reality is that women from the U.S. are such failures at the “art of seduction” that they need Cosmo to exist in the first place. If Cosmo wasn’t here telling you how to fix your business, you’d be some sort of...
7 tags
dahlingnicki asked thingsilearnedfromcosmo: Your vulvodynia post is perhaps my favorite and most reassuring thing on the internet. Are you me? My story is IDENTICAL to yours, right down to the supportive boyfriend and me telling him to break up with me because I can’t have sex. (We’re still...
1 tag
elibennett asked: This page is all kinds of win. Probably one of the best tumblrs on the interwebs right now. And let me just say, I absolutely love that you address Cosmo's ridiculous treatment of period blood. I'm lucky enough to have grown up with a mother and older sisters who were very open and direct about menstruation, so it's always shocking/slightly embarrassing to come across someone who...
1 tag
Anonymous asked: I love and agree with everything about your blog. Never stop! More girls and women need to realize the true implications of what they're reading in magazines like cosmo. I think you're satirical approach is perfect because it really exposes the ridiculous, insulting nature of the things they publish. I think EVERYONE should read what you've got to say. Seriously made my day : )
16 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: How to Change Myself to Get a Guy...
Let’s be real: the only way we, as women, will feel fulfilled and happy on this Earth is if we are able to snag a man (read: trick one into marrying us by pretending we are pregnant) and then have babies. It’s, like, the rules of feminism.
So we need to exhaust all avenues in order to achieve this goal: we need to find them in their natural habitat (sports bar, sports arena, strip...
November 2011
31 posts
8 tags
Thanks Cosmo: Finding a Solution to Vulvodynia.
In their November 2011 issue (with the lovely Nicky Minaj on the cover, on page 165), Cosmo had an article titled, “I Botoxed My Vagina.”
After my eyes rolled back into my head and got stuck there for a few minutes at the obviously desperate title, I went on to read the article about a woman who suddenly developed vulvodynia, a condition in which women experience chronic pain around...
6 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: It's Okay if Men Try to Control...
Cosmo likes to litter their magazine with statistics. Like, 70% of men think you look ugly when you eat! and 100% of everyone think Parks and Recreation is the best show on television! (And it fucking is, seriously.)
Cosmo’s Dec. 2010 is no different. They write:
31 percent of men say they would track their GF or wife via a GPS device if she wouldn’t find out.
Um, what?
Oh,...
7 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: You Should Only Dress For Your...
Dressing for men seems to be a recurring theme for Cosmo. They’ve mentioned several times that wearing anything that isn’t feminine means you’re a dumpy, gross person (and let’s be real: you are!) so why would we expect things to change?
They now have a section in their magazine where they ask the all-important question: “Will He Love It?” (Last month, they...
8 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Dudes Wearing Women's Clothing is...
In every issue of Cosmo, they have the “Stud Meter.” It is just as creative and imaginative as you might think from the name. It’s a plethora of photos of “studs” (aka men) and they are ranked from “Kick-Ass” to “Lame-Ass.”
A sample “Stud Meter” from a previous issue:
As you can see, Prince Harry is KICK-ASS or...
2 tags
Anonymous asked: thoughts about the expertcosmotips tumblr?
1 tag
jolieage asked: best blog on the internet, no doubt
8 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Names for Genitals are Weird and...
I dunno about you, but I kind of love the idea of having names for genitals. It’s immature, sure, and a bit silly, of course, but (at least to me) a little fun/funny.
In their Dec. 2010 issue, Cosmo gives a detailed list of names guys call their “wangs”:
The General
Bishop
Chief of Staff
Winston Churchill
Bait (‘n’ Tackle)
Twig (‘n’ Berries)
Bat...
1 tag
en-turquoise asked: Just wanted to say I love your blog. As someone who's realizing herself as a feminist and studying beauty advertising from a feminist philosophical perspective, I totally appreciate your commentary on Cosmo's articles. I actually think satirizing like you do can help women realize the psychologically erosive effects of women's magazines' prevailing ideologies--of course, that...
1 tag
hipstersgonhip asked: haha absolutely. i've had my trial and error with shitbags. one who said "i bet i'll starve, because you probably can't cook shit." (he'd never had my cooking though?) and another who told me "just sleep with me. no one's going to want to marry a virgin anyway!" needless to say. i'm NOW with a wonderful person. who treats me like a princess and...
1 tag
Mod Note: Update Frequency
Hey guys! We can file this post under “Things That Are Completely Unnecessary,” but I just wanted to write a quick note to say that, since this blog is fairly new, I’m still trying to figure out with what frequency I will be updating.
Initially, I wanted to do it daily, but it seems that Cosmo doesn’t update their website that often. It gave me enough material to go hard...
16 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: No, Seriously, Your Period's...
On a list entitled “The Grossest Thing My Girlfriend Ever Did,” Cosmo talks about all of the things that girls do that make themselves nasty and unappealing to their boyfriends. First, you bleed. How many times must we say: FUCKING EW?
“One day, while my girlfriend had her period, she asked me if I’d watch her put in her tampon, since I’d asked her a question...
14 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: What I Need to Do to Snag a...
In an act of pure social grace and intellect, Cosmo has finally, finally started publishing tweets from men on their website.
This is a truly momentous occasion. Far too often, men are silenced. Their opinions aren’t respected! They aren’t allowed to say whatever they want! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT?
Cosmo will. That’s why they spend their days...
12 tags
Thanks Cosmo: Learning Where Politicians Stand on...
This might have been really handy in their October or November issues of their magazine, but better late than never.
On today’s blog, Cosmo write about Planned Parenthood’s latest website launch, WomenAreWatching.org.
The website will be especially useful for next year’s election when we’ll all be wondering where a candidate stands on issues like abortion and...
1 tag
zombieravenation asked: Best blog ever. I stopped reading cosmo ages ago, ESPECIALLY the American one due to it continuously making me feel either terrible about my body or completely useless to men. The only time I ever do read the magazine is if it's the UK Edition as they do take a more mature and feminist approach to their articles, frequently including models that are bigger than a UK size 12. Anyway! I love...
1 tag
distinctive-dresses asked: This is so good. So good. In all the ways.
1 tag
vivalenore asked: Your blog is my favorite page on the Internet. Fuck Cosmo.
10 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: Periods are gross! Blech!
In case you were looking for Christmas gifts, Cosmo wants you to know you totally shouldn’t ask for the things on this list.
While you’re not asking for flatulence filters (disposable pads you stick into your underwear to neutralize the smell of your farts) or a towel that marks where you dry off your head and wear you dry off your bum so you never mix it up again, you should also...
1 tag
Anonymous asked: All I want to say is that I love this blog so much. <3 Thank you!!
11 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: How to Dress for My Man.
Following New York Fashion Week, Cosmo posted an article about the trends that graced the runway that our guys will love. Cosmo says these articles of clothing are “majorly man-friendly,” perfect “if your style is all about guy-hot trends.” All I can say is: thank God, because I was running out of pasties and edible underwear.
Donna Karan: This dress is pure man bait:...
17 tags
Cosmo Taught Me: All men crave the same sex stuff.
Cosmo thinks it’s key that we all know the 10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have. You see, guys are pretty simple creatures, unlike their complex, hormonal, kuh-ray-zee counterparts. They basically survive off of sex, and when they don’t have it, their penis shrinks and they lose brain matter! This is why you should do your best to memorize all the things he loves about sex. It’s the...