Things I Learned From Cosmo

Oct. 31, 2011 at 12:05pm with 30 notes

Cosmo Taught Me: Don’t talk to a man like he’s a person. Use a pick-up line!

Cosmo offers several pick-up lines for you to use when you “spot a hottie.” (That language isn’t weird at all. Everyone totally still says hottie. Totally!)

You might think that you can just walk up to an attractive man and start talking to him, see if you guys hit it off and then go from there.

But you’re wrong.

You can’t walk up to that “hottie” without having a pick-up line on-hand. Here are a few for when you frequent random places like the laundromat!

At a sports bar: “What’s the most impressive goal you’ve ever scored in a game?”

First and foremost, Cosmo wants you to know that this pick-up line is a double entendre and it is funny. (GOAL? SCORE? GAME? Get it?!) Second, they want you to know that every pick-up line you use MUST — and I repeat, MUST — make the “hottie” think of you in your underwear, doing something sexy and/or naked. Guys can only think of one thing, and that is naked women, so the more you can get him to think about that, the likelier you are to land him.

Since every guy on the planet plays sports, this pick-up line will be a guaranteed hit. They will first think of sports (which will make him think you’re a GUY’S GIRL and you’re REALLY DIFFERENT, UNIQUE AND SPECIAL). Then he will realize the joke (GOAL. SCORE. GAME. Oh, she is definitely referring to sex, y’all!) and he will get an instant boner and fall in love with you.

Do not actually ask him about his past and don’t bother listening to his answer to your question. What is important is that you deliver this line, while looking him in the eye. Then rip your shirt off and he will marry you.

At the laundromat: “I’m bored. What do you normally do when your underwear is drying?”

Remember: guys only want to think about you naked. So if you are doing your laundry, make sure you mention underwear. Cosmo writes:

Guys are extremely visual creatures. Even though you mentioned his underwear, he’s automatically thinking about yours—and the fact that they’re probably black and lacy, or barely there at all. So basically, you’ve got him hooked.

What Cosmo means by “extremely visual” is that they like to look at boobies. They like to think about boobies. They also like to look and thing about vaginas. Underwear = boobs/vagina = happy man. Guys only care about this one thing followed by sports and meat so do not be surprised if he says he plays soccer with steaks while he waits for his underwear to dry, and then he starts drooling because now he’s thinking about underwear again.

Try to say the words “underwear” or “panties” as many times as you can in order to maximize your attractiveness.

At the park: “Any ideas on how to turn this blanket into a Twister board? I really want to play.”

It’s completely normal to be at the park alone and then see a “hottie” and stroll over to him and use that pick-up line. Twister will make him think about your body sprawled out in flexible position. Then he will think of his body on your body, then he will think of you naked and you’ve won!

NOTE: If he actually tries to help you turn the blanket into a Twister board OR asks why you’re acting weird, lick your lips and seductively pull out the emergency piece of bacon that you keep hidden inside of your bra for such occasions. He will immediately forget what you’re talking about because he is stupid and only thinks about meat and boobies (and since boobies are meat he is really just thinking of meat and meat).

On the beach: “I bet you’re wondering how I avoid tan lines.”

Even if he wasn’t looking at you (hell, even if you don’t have a tan), this is a really great line to use because it will make him think of you sunbathing naked since that is the only way you can avoid tan lines. He will turn into a drooling fool and stare at your tits. (This will make you feel good because you need a man’s approval in order to feel good about everything in your life.) Once he’s successfully staring at your boobs, you can lure him away from the beach with a hamburger and take him to city hall and get a marriage license.

Cosmo is practically handing these guys to you on a silver platter. You better fucking appreciate it.