Cosmo Taught Me: I am being gross in front of my man.

In this article, Cosmo delves into the “Surprising Things That Turn Men Off,” the underlying advice being: bitch, you need to fucking quit that if you want to keep your boyfriend.

1) What they hate: Seeing your grooming habits.

“The first time I saw a girl giving herself a pedicure, I was kinda shocked at how much it made my junk want to curl up and die. There’s something so sexy about nice, taken care of feet, but so icky about knowing what women have to do to get feet like that. And it wasn’t just the clipping and excavating; I couldn’t even watch her paint on polish. I just kept thinking about how her hands were all over her feet…and how little I wanted her hands to be all over me after that.” —Dave

Solution: Hide all of your personal habits from him. As Dave points out, men don’t want to know that you’re, like, human and stuff. Women don’t fart! They don’t poop! They don’t burp! Wake up 3 hours before he does so that you can take a shower, brush your teeth, pluck unwanted hairs, shave, moisturize and use the bathroom — all without him knowing. Then sneak into bed each morning, sacrificing your sleep, just so that you can show him how much you truly love him.

2) What they hate: Listening to you talk about something they dislike. (Other options include reminding him of a middle-aged woman and being passionate about anything.)

“I overheard my girlfriend talking on the phone with a friend about The Real Housewives of Something or Other and she was getting so worked up. For a second, I thought I must be misunderstanding and that she was talking about people she knew. She reminded me of some middle-aged woman who had nothing going on and sat around all day dissecting soap operas. And call me crazy, but I don’t really have a thing for middle-aged women who have nothing going on.” —George

Solution: Guys like George don’t want to hear you ramble on and on about something they don’t give a fuck about. Real Housewives of Something or Other? More like Real Housewives of Snoozing a Brother, amirite?! Don’t you DARE talk about stuff he doesn’t like when he’s around. He will be completely turned off by your asinine interests so considering nixing them ASAP. Instead, talk about sports and beer and boobies. This will keep him interested in you and what you have to say!

Besides, you don’t want to remind him of some “middle-aged woman who [has] nothing going on” because we ALL know middle-aged women are the SCUM of the earth. Women are only worthy so long as they are fuckable.

3) What they hate: When you’re self-conscious (because it really is a buzzkill TO THEM and ruins THEIR SEX).

“I used to hook up with this woman who had a great body, but was really self-conscious. She never wanted to do it with the lights on, which I guess would have been fine, but she also covered up immediately after sex. And in four months, I never saw her stand in front of me butt-ass naked. It got old real quickly and after a while, I started to see her body in a different way. I would have much preferred she had a few extra pounds on her or less-than-perfect boobs, but was happy with her body. If you can’t get psyched about your own body, how can I?” —Chris

Solution: Truth be told, you should love your body. Your body is wonderful just how it is. But don’t love your body for you — LOVE IT FOR HIM. If you don’t let him see you naked, it’s going to get “old real quickly” and people like Chris just won’t fucking take it! If you refuse to be psyched about your own body, then, well, that doesn’t turn Chris on and the only thing that matters is how Chris feels so Chris is just going to have sex somewhere else and then blame it on you.

4 & 5) What they hate: Hearing that you don’t dress sexy all the time.

“I asked a girl I was dating what she was for Halloween last year. I was expecting a cheap mental picture turn-on. She said she was a football player. I went instasoft at the idea of her dressed as a dude and in all that unsexy padding.” —Keith

“During the winter my girlfriend likes to walk around the apartment in boxer shorts and socks. I think she thinks she’s being cute and sexy and once she even said something to the effect of, ‘Aren’t you glad I don’t wear sweatpants to bed all winter?’ Definitely, but she’s crazy if she thinks guy’s underwear and a pair of white athletic socks is doing anything for me…besides reminding me of being in the guy’s locker room in high school, that is.” —Pete

Solution: Considering that two of the seven surprising things men find unattractive is that you don’t dress sexy enough, it’s obvious that this is the most important. Pete and Keith think you’re really fucking gross when you do anything remotely unfeminine. This is similar to number 1, where you hide all of your grooming habits. Ladies, you need to be ON and POPPIN’ at all times. You need to smell fresh AND look fresh. If you’re thinking of being any costume other than a slutty dishwasher, think again. Don’t try to use gender-bending costumes. Gender-bending costumes are for QUEER-OS! Wear something that shows off your tits because if you don’t, your man will not know you’re a woman.

And in the winter? Don’t be like Pete’s girlfriend. Don’t you dare wear fucking athletic socks because your feet are cold. Take them off and put on a lacy bra and panties set. In fact, don’t you ever dare think of wearing ugly-ass SOCKS again because they remind him of his locker room bros. And, as I’m sure Pete says all the time, “no homo!” Guys only get their masculinity from how feminine YOU are so make sure you are being extremely girly at all times.

6) What they hate: When you do what you want to do in bed instead of what HE wants to do.

“Sometimes ladies think it is necessary to take dirty talk in a slightly self-deprecating direction, as in I’m such a slut or I want to be your dirty whore tonight. It can make a man feel like a dirtbag, rather than a badass, and not really want sex.” – Jared

Solution: Shut your whore mouth. Jared doesn’t give a shit if you get turned on by calling yourself a slut. Jared doesn’t give a shit if you want to reclaim the word. Jared (who represents all men) only cares about what turns him on. He wants to have anal sex with you without feeling like a dirtbag, so just stop it, okay?

7) What they hate: When you won’t eat in front of him.

“It’s such a turn-off when a girl is afraid to eat in front of me. It makes me automatically think she’s self-conscious and on top of that, afraid to be herself in front of me. That does not bode well for other types of activities…” —Brian

Solution: Even though Cosmo has told you time and time again that you should eat as little as possible in front of your man, Brian and Cosmo are now telling you that that’s simply not true. Men want to know you’re eating — because if you’re not eating, then you might be dead, and if you are dead, they’ll be having sex with a corpse and REMEMBER WHAT JARED SAID? They don’t want to feel like a dirtbag! So make sure you eat something so that dudes like Brian can have sex with you without feeling scummy.

But you can only eat a salad.

Make sure you laugh while eating it, too.