Cosmo Taught Me: All men crave the same sex stuff.
Cosmo thinks it’s key that we all know the 10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have. You see, guys are pretty simple creatures, unlike their complex, hormonal, kuh-ray-zee counterparts. They basically survive off of sex, and when they don’t have it, their penis shrinks and they lose brain matter! This is why you should do your best to memorize all the things he loves about sex. It’s the least you can do, right?!
Here are the 10 sex cravings that ALL men (because, let’s be honest, all men are the same!) crave. I’ve combined the first and last craving because they’re eerily similar and VERY important to remember. Get out the notebooks, ladies!
1. HE WANTS A GIRL WHO CAN TURN HERSELF ON
10. HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING SOMETIMES
Honestly, women, I can’t believe you ever thought, for a second, that your man should help you get turned on in preparation for sex or that they want to actually “do” anything other than have you sit on their dick. Guys just want to hit it and quit it and do not want to waste any time getting you hot. Stop being so selfish!
Cosmo says:
Women, as you know, need time to get revved up. […] [H]e wouldn’t mind if you gave yourself a running start. “A number of women still believe that it’s solely a man’s job to arouse them,” says Georgia sex therapist Gloria Brame, PhD. “To have a really fulfilling sexual experience though, you have to put some effort into getting yourself into a sexual state of mind.”
This advice is coming straight from a sex therapist with PhD, y’all, so you know it’s fucking accurate. THIS IS THE 2010S. WOMEN’S LIB AND FEMINISM AND ALL THAT SHIT, which is why you should get rid of the completely outdated and sexist notion that men need to somehow “turn you on.” Uh, that’s your job. Why don’t you start putting in your fair share of the work? Why should a guy have to waste his time touching your ladybits (ew) when it doesn’t benefit him at all? He’d much rather just stick it in, thrust a few times and be done. So do your man a favor and touch yourself, quietly, in the corner in preparation for receiving his penis.
Bonus tip: if he comes faster than you do, feel free to finish yourself once you’re done making him a sandwich.
2. HE WANTS SEX TO BE FUN
Guys are essentially grown-up children, so you should constantly be thinking of new ways to keep things exciting. Consider renting a bounce house and doing some naked somersaults for him. Perhaps try sky diving nude and landing right in his backyard where you can ravish him in the grass. Bounce nude on a pogo stick. Try naked karaoke. The possibilities are endless!
3. HE WANTS YOU TO DROP HINTS
When it comes to pleasing the women in their lives, every man wishes he had ESP (extrasexual perception). But the truth is, your libidinous longings can be baffling. “That’s why a guy loves it when you’re able to guide him without barking out orders,” says Gardos.
Barking orders? Ack! You should never be vocal about what you actually want in bed because you might come across as nagging or bitching. Instead, give him really roundabout hints regarding what you really want and get pissed off later when he can’t figure it out. Or try playing the hot and cold game! When he gets closer to the place that you want him touching, tell him he’s getting warmer; If he’s way off, say “cold.” He’ll be suuuuper turned on by this game! Guys love games! (He likes to keep it fun, you know?)
4. HE WANTS TO WATCH
It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you’re naked and he’s watching and/or participating. Naked bingo! Naked basketball! Naked cartwheels! Naked knitting! Naked helping old people cross the street! He will be turned on by any and all.
5. HE WANTS YOU TO BE NAUGHTY
Even if you’re a bad girl at heart, you might hold back with your guy. “Women are often afraid to get naughty in a relationship, because they don’t want to shatter any ‘good girlfriend’ image he has or they don’t want him to think they’re weird,” explains Brame. “But men want to see that no-holds-barred side of you — they just don’t want to offend you by asking for it.”
Again, it is crucial for you to be able to anticipate what your man wants. He wants you to be naughty, but not too naughty because then he will call you a slut. Don’t try behaving in bed how you feel most comfortable because he doesn’t give a shit. You’ll need to find the perfect balance between virgin/whore. Oh, and, don’t waste him time by asking him what he really wants, just go ahead and guess. It’s more fun that way.
6. HE WANTS A “WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?” EXPERIENCE
7. HE WANTS TO MIX THINGS UP
It’s important to blow your man’s mind by being completely wild and over-the-top and trying something new. Don’t just do doggie style; put an actual collar on your man and pretend to take him for a walk — naked! Don’t do boring old missionary; spice it up with some in-bedroom actual fireworks! When giving him a blowjob, surprise him with some hot chocolate in your mouth! Sensual AND warm, yay! These things will definitely make your man say, “Wow, what was that?!” and make you even sexier.
Why must you do outrageous things, you ask?
To separate yourself from the pack. [You should] pull a move so wild, he won’t be able to stop thinking about it the next day.
Your guy sleeps and/or fantasizes about sleeping with so many different women that unless you make your sex act fun, interesting, and unique, you’ll just be lost in the shuffle.
8. HE WANTS NOOKY OUT OF NOWHERE
The element of surprise is quite crucial when trying to have the sexiest sex EVER. He doesn’t want to have sex in the evening. That’s boring, y’all. Try sneak-attacking him with sex instead! Does he have an important meeting to go to? SURPRISE! Be in his meeting naked. Is he running late for work? Slip out to his car, tits out, and go at it! Is he getting over flu and/or food poisoning or, better yet, right in the middle of it? Time for sex, honey! Nothing will cure him more than your magical vagina.
9. HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU
The best way to bring out the sexy beast in your guy? Initiate some take-me-I’m-yours action. “He’d love to be raw and animalistic with you, but he needs to know you want it too,” says Brame. “Kiss him seductively and then pull away, saying that if he wants more, he can come and get it.”
Remember how Cosmo said that your man wants you to do all the work? JK! He actually wants to “take you” as if you are a sexy sex object! Cool, huh? Here’s how it works: even if you’re the one who initiates sex, trick him into thinking it was his idea. Make out with him and then run away and make him chase you down. He’ll be all, ‘what the fuck was that?’ and you’ll be like, ‘Uh, what the fuck was what?’ and he’ll be like, ‘IDK, you’re hot’ and you’ll be like, ‘Kewl’ and he’ll be like ‘I will now have sex with you in a raw and animalistic manner.’ This will really boost his ego. To make him feel even more animalistic, consider feeding him some uncooked meat beforehand. Sexy!
