Cosmo Taught Me: How to Dress for My Man.

Following New York Fashion Week, Cosmo posted an article about the trends that graced the runway that our guys will love. Cosmo says these articles of clothing are “majorly man-friendly,” perfect “if your style is all about guy-hot trends.” All I can say is: thank God, because I was running out of pasties and edible underwear.

Donna Karan: This dress is pure man bait: It’s body-hugging, shoulder-baring and the color is eye-catching.

I, for one, am fucking thrilled. “Pure man bait” is exactly what I type into Google every time I start shopping for clothing. I want my clothes to be so man-baity that I wouldn’t mind if they had actual hooks coming out of it so that the could hook the men like a fish and reel them directly to my body. I wonder if Lady Gaga’s meat dress qualifies as a dress that’s “pure man bait”?

Calvin Klein: This silky, romantic dress will remind him of lingerie—and the “naked” color doesn’t hurt either.

Men like lingerie because it reminds them of sex. Therefore, he’s sure to find this dress irresistible and alluring. To make it even sexier, feel free to cut out nipple holes a la Regina George.

(If I can be real for a second, how fucking offensive is it that Cosmo called that BEIGE color “naked”? I’m brown. If I wore that dress, I WOULD NOT LOOK NAKED. Women of color, you don’t exist! Cool! Awesome! We’ve never heard that before! This is brand new information! Etc.)

Vera Wang: This dress is like a pretty picture frame for everything guys love about a woman’s body.

I drew arrows to show you what “pretty picture frame” Cosmo is talking about, heheheheheheheh. Soooo naughty, amirite?

Prabal Gurung: Wear this look to a cocktail party and every guy in the room will imagine unwrapping the lacy shell.

Don’t make them imagine unwrapping the lacy shell. Imagination? YUCK! Just go topless and call it a day.