Cosmo Taught Me: Periods are gross! Blech!
In case you were looking for Christmas gifts, Cosmo wants you to know you totally shouldn’t ask for the things on this list.
While you’re not asking for flatulence filters (disposable pads you stick into your underwear to neutralize the smell of your farts) or a towel that marks where you dry off your head and wear you dry off your bum so you never mix it up again, you should also not ask for RemiiUnderwear.com’s Period Panties for $13.99.
Cosmo writes:
If tampons and pads are just too sanitary and convenient for you, there’s now Menstrual Underwear — the “breathable and waterproof” wonder-panties with diaper-like leakage protection.
I particularly like the snarky tone Cosmo is taking here. They’re so right. Pads and tampons are so sanitary and convenient that trying anything else is WEIRD and STUPID! Nevermind that there are plenty of women out there who use cloth pads or the divacup — if it doesn’t have a commercial of women frolicking in the fields wearing white pants, I AIN’T BUYING IT! And, honestly, those people are fucking hippies and they probably don’t shave either. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Cosmo continues with the description, writing:
Yep, you are seriously supposed to wear these, and just these, when flow comes to town.
Isn’t it darling how Cosmo calls your period “flow” just like back in the 50s? Using the word “period” or saying “menstruation” is too clinical and gross. No thanks. Please use cutesy words only. Phrases like “surfin’ the crimson wave” (from Cher Horowitz in “Clueless”) are out, too. Way too barbaric for my dainty ears.
They continue:
And no, [the panties] are not disposable. After they’ve been soiled, you throw them in the wash with your favorite tees and nice towels. Not gross at all.
Are you telling me that after AUNT FLOW has leaked RED VELVET CUPCAKE BATTER out of my EASY BAKE OVEN, I’m supposed to put those YUCKY, GROSS, ICKY PANTIES in the wash with my ‘I HATE MATH’ babydoll t-shirts? No thank you. That’s too disgusting to even think about. Eek!
Without Cosmo telling me how gross it is to bleed from “down there,” I would know nothing at all. Thanks for looking out, Cosmo.
