Cosmo Taught Me: No, Seriously, Your Period’s Gross!
On a list entitled “The Grossest Thing My Girlfriend Ever Did,” Cosmo talks about all of the things that girls do that make themselves nasty and unappealing to their boyfriends. First, you bleed. How many times must we say: FUCKING EW?
“One day, while my girlfriend had her period, she asked me if I’d watch her put in her tampon, since I’d asked her a question about tampons a few weeks earlier. I quickly refused. A few hours later, she called me into her room, and there she was with no pants on, pointing to the string dangling out of her vagina. I was seriously disgusted.” — Chandler, 21
Guys don’t, under any circumstance, want to know that you bleed. They don’t want to think about it. And if — after being badgered with a series of questions like, “So you’re saying you put a tampon where my dick should be?” — you try to go forth and educate your boyfriend who seemed soo curious just a moment earlier, then you are even sillier than Cosmo gives you credit for. Like, why would you try to apply logic to any sort of situation? He may have been asking you 238904234 questions about periods, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to know where a tampon goes. The visual of something OTHER THAN HIS DICK going into your vagina (aka The Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In, which I believe Cosmo is currently trying to trademark) will scar him for life. FOR LIFE. Do you want that on your shoulders? I think not.
“Once I walked into a chick’s apartment and saw a sink full of red water with a pair of underwear floating there. I’ve been traumatized ever since.” — Kevin, 25
Also, in case you forgot again, can you please stop reminding guys that you bleed from The Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In™? So what that society’s already taught you to be ashamed and grossed out by your period? Why shouldn’t guys continue to shame and berate you for a natural body process? I mean, it’s not like you should be upset because your period ruined another pair of your underwear (may they rest in peace). You shouldn’t even bother trying to clean them, because if your boyfriend, Kevin, is coming over, he is going to be so repulsed by you that he’ll never look at you the same again. And then you won’t have a dick to put in The Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In™, so what will you do with it? Store carrots inside of it? Use it as a pen holder? I think not.
(Mod Note: For the record, I do understand that, in certain situations and for many people, there exists a “politeness” etiquette when it comes to periods. Just like someone might not want to see a bloody bandaid, they may also not want to see your bloody underwear. Hell, I can’t say that I delight in the sight of blood myself. My boyfriend honestly doesn’t give a fuck when it comes to periods, so I don’t really have to hide much, which is cool, but maybe others don’t feel similarly, which is cool, too! I don’t want to alienate people if they actually do think that using a sink to get period stains out of your underwear is gross or that showing someone your period string, even if they are your significant other, is crossing a line.
However, it really, really slashes me to the core that Cosmo spends so much time reiterating how “nasty” your NATURAL FUCKING PERIOD IS and HOW IT GROSSES MEN OUT AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED and how if you aren’t YOU’RE SOMEHOW NOT LADY-LIKE OR WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. Seriously? Fuck them. Also, Cosmo, please take a peek at Gloria Steinem’s piece If Men Could Menstruate and reevaluate all that you stand for. Thanks.)
Other things your man hates about you? When your feet aren’t as soft as a baby’s bottom:
“I usually enjoy giving my girlfriend foot massages. But one time she asked for one, and her feet were covered in callouses. Forget the Ped-egg—only sandpaper could have softened those rough puppies.” —Stephen, 34
Farting, WHEN YOU DO IT (when he does it, it’s funny and charming, duhhhh!):
“Late one night, my fiancée got out of bed to go to the bathroom and let one riiiiip on her way there. I’d been sound asleep, but it was so loud that it woke me up—it sounded like a bomb exploded. And it smelled awful!” — Matt, 26
Matt, I’m with you. I can’t believe your FIANCEE, who you will love and cherish (so long as she lets you get inside The Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In) has the audacity TO PASS GAS. TO CUT THE CHEESE. TO LET ONE RIP. I mean, it’s not like guys spend time with their friends having farting contests or anything like that. Guys are way too fucking classy for that shit. So, Matt’s fiancee and all women around the world, get your shit together. You need to hold in your farts until your insides want to explode because men like Matt are too fucking classy to deal with it. Got it?
And they also hate when you put something in your mouth (AKA The Other Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In™) that isn’t their penis. What are you ladies thinking?
“I dated this girl who’d always bite her nails. That’s fine—bad habit, whatever—but then she’d try to kiss me afterward!” — Cody, 20
“My ex had long, curly black hair that I loved, but sometimes she would gnaw on it like a stick of gum. She didn’t seem to mind that the strands were coated with dirt and hair products, but I certainly didn’t want to kiss her after she was licking her locks!” — Ryan, 30
Cody and Ryan, you are so fucking right. I mean… you wouldn’t let some chick kiss you after they put their mouth on your dick, right? And that’s YOUR dick! So why on Earth would you let her kiss you after she puts her mouth on HER OWN BODY PARTS? Seriously nasty. It’s bad enough that she expects you to kiss The Other Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In™; it’s even worse that she wants you to touch The Hole That Exists Solely For Dicks to Cum In™ and that weird-ass buttony thing above it or whatever. But why would you EVER, in a million years, want to touch her after she has touched her nasty-ass, germy self? Women, Ryan and Cody are onto us. They know that no matter how old we get, we forever have cooties.
