Cosmo Taught Me: It’s Okay if Men Try to Control You.

Cosmo likes to litter their magazine with statistics. Like, 70% of men think you look ugly when you eat! and 100% of everyone think Parks and Recreation is the best show on television! (And it fucking is, seriously.)

Cosmo’s Dec. 2010 is no different. They write:

31 percent of men say they would track their GF or wife via a GPS device if she wouldn’t find out.

Um, what?

Oh, silly wimmenz! They always need to be kept track of, at all times, even if that means installing a GPS tracker in her car/phone. After all, she could be cheating on you. In fact, she probably is! What? WHAT WAS THAT? SHE FUCKING STOPPED AT PRALINE’S AFTER SHE LEFT WORK? Ohhhh, laaaaawd. Here go hell come! She is sleeping with a high schooler working the ice cream counter! You were totally right to install that tracker. TOTALLY. You should go cheat on her right now before she gets home so you can show her who’s boss! Go sleep with that sexy MILF who you’ve been eyeing sleazily for months! GO NOW! Okay, have you done it? Cool. Now go home and wait for your wife to get home. You hear her car pulling it. YOU’LL SHOW HER. YOU STILL HAVE MILF-DICK, AND SHE CAN TELL THAT SHIT FROM A MILE AWAY. Okay, she’s at the door. Pulling open the door. HA! YOU’RE GONNA SHOW HER! Oh-is that ice cream… for you? Oops. Well, whatever, she was totally annoying, anyway, and she deserved to be cheated on because it’s, like, in a man’s nature to cheat or whatever! Screw women! You were right all along, buddy! EXERT THAT POWER.

(In seriousness, I am troubled that Cosmo doesn’t even delve into this statistic or at least take a moment to discuss why this is scary. They aren’t even the slightest bit alarmed that that kind of behavior is pretty damn terrifying and, at best, indicative of a troubled person who has trust issues and, at worst, the beginning signs of a man who will later become controlling and perhaps be prone to domestic violence. But, whatever, that’s just what men do, and it’s weird and quirky and cute, right Cosmo?)