Cosmo Taught Me: How to Change Myself to Get a Guy (Online Dating Version!)

Let’s be real: the only way we, as women, will feel fulfilled and happy on this Earth is if we are able to snag a man (read: trick one into marrying us by pretending we are pregnant) and then have babies. It’s, like, the rules of feminism.

So we need to exhaust all avenues in order to achieve this goal: we need to find them in their natural habitat (sports bar, sports arena, strip club, butcher shop) and pounce that way.

But we should also have an online dating profile, which is why Cosmo wrote (in their Dec. 2011 issue, p. 129) “Create a Profile He Can’t Resist.” Yes!

You might have been thinking, “I will fill out this profile truthfully. Any guy who doesn’t want to dissect the deeper meaning of ‘Harry Potter’ with me simply doesn’t deserve my love.”

Yet, as usual, you’d be wrong.

Like, seriously, girl, what would you do without Cosmo? *flips hair*

Let’s start with the basics.

1) Post at least three high-quality pics.

Why? I’m glad you asked.

Guys are visual creatures, so give them lots to look at.

Cosmo, I have never heard that before. Tell me more!

[U]sers with a minimum of three pictures receive twice as many messages as users with just one. And no cell-phone pics: [research says] the better the quality of your camera, the hotter you’ll look.

I just need to go out and make sure I buy a good digital camera and take the photo from the correct angle. Wouldn’t want to look ugly or potentially turn off any man because he saw what I actually looked like. Eek!

[U]se natural light. A flash photo will get you rated as pretty as a woman seven years older than you.

OMG GROSS. Are we all just vomming everywhere at the thought that someone might think we’re seven years older than we actually are? We ALL know we have expiration dates (and that’s when society deems us unfuckable because we’re OLD) so let’s not try to speed that process up, ladies!

2) Show your face and your body. [Data shows] the most attractive pictures of women are the ones where they are looking at the camera and making a flirty face.

There are lots of really famous people who are good at flirting and making flirty faces, but, in my eyes, only one reigns supreme:

And dude focus groups […] revealed that guys want to see at least one shot of your whole body, so they know what they’re getting themselves into.

See? I feel like Pepe Le Pew was really onto something. Flirty face + body shot = money maker.

The one thing Pepe is doing wrong, though, is that he’s showing a lot of skin.

Cosmo writes, as their third tip:

3) Sexy photos will score you attention, but not the kind that’ll end in a date. […] Women who post cleavage or a Myspace-esque self-portrait get the most meaningless feedback.

I know you thought you were a human being who could choose how you wanted to represent yourself, especially on your own dating profile, but let’s be honest: no.

4) Update frequently. […] [T]he more often you update your profile, the more likely you are to show up on search lists. So keep your basic information the same […] but once a week, swap in a new picture or give updates about what you’re doing.

Swapping out pictures is really good advice for another reason, aside from making your profile show up in search lists. Most men will get tired of looking at the pictures you have uploaded. That means they will get tired of you and they will run out of masturbation material. Please be considerate and cycle through photos on a weekly basis, because guys masturbate, like, 10 times a day and they need new things to look at.

Consider: taking a photo of yourself in the kitchen so he can imagine you cooking — naked! A photo of yourself in the laundry room so he can imagine you doing his laundry — naked! A photo of yourself in a car so he can imagine you cleaning his car — naked!

5) Keep it simple and specific. Long essays make guys’ eyes glaze over.

Seriously! There’s nothing that’s more of a buzzkill than a lady who likes to gab. Yawn! You have thoughts? Feelings? You’re, like… smart? Um, no thank you.

[K]eep your info direct and to the point; bulleted lists are perfect.

Guys do not want to have to take the time to read through how you once volunteered in Africa. Can we say boring? Tits or GTFO.

Stand out with specifics: You love laughing your ass off at improv-comedy shows, baking mouth-watering brownies for friends, and getting lost in new cities.

Bonus tip: to really get this guy interested in you, consider taking some tips from Sexy Mad Lib and Alliteration Extraordinaire, 17-year-old Courtney Stodden, who is married to 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson from “Lost”*. Here are some examples to get you started:

And, lastly, Cosmo says:

6) Suggest a date. […] Mention something you’d love to do in the first line of your profile.

Try these:

• I’d love to meet a guy who’d just balance a beer on my ass and let me wash his clothes.
• When I meet the right guy, I hope he puts a GPS tracker in my car or phone. Nothing sexier!
• I want a man who will take me to a hockey game and leave me there. Half the fun is trying to find my way home!

* Please, no hate mail for using Courtney Stodden’s tweets.