Cosmo Taught Me: American Women Are Unsexy.

Because I’m reading the U.S. version of Cosmopolitan magazine, one might assume that Cosmo thinks women from the U.S. have something going for them.

But the reality is that women from the U.S. are such failures at the “art of seduction” that they need Cosmo to exist in the first place. If Cosmo wasn’t here telling you how to fix your business, you’d be some sort of walking disaster.

Which is why, in their December issue, they want you to know all about “Seduction Secrets French Women Know.”

Continue, s’il vous plaît.

Cosmo doesn’t waste any time telling us how slovenly us Americans are.

In the description of the article, it writes:

Yeah, it’s liberating to complain to him that you’re so PMSing and in general just to let it all hang out (even peeing with the door open). But the key to getting him to worship you is… revealing less.

At first I was like, what? Reveal less? How will he know I’m a woman if my pussy isn’t hanging out?

But they actually mean that we should be revealing less about ourselves to our significant others. Like, don’t let them know you pee and stuff, because that’s gross. What are you, an animal?

Instead, we should all be keeping parts of ourselves a secret, pretending we lead some sort of Hannah Montana double-life. But why?

[P]utting it all out there during everyday moments can screw with your sexual chemistry. […] [French women] believe that keeping some things under wraps adds an element of enticement to interactions with a guy.

I, for one, love sweeping generalizations. They make me feel hot and sexy, so good job Cosmo. And, since my only purpose on this Earth is to make sure that the sexual chemistry is alive between my boyfriend and I, then I totally get why I should act all “secretive” and “mysterious.” Very seductive, Cosmo. I approve. Please continue! I’m dying to know how to be more unlike me!

[French women] limit what they expose to their guy, and that drives up lust - for example, if your boyfriend sees your lady parts all the time, eventually, he’ll become desensitized and stop fantasizing about ripping off your clothes to get a peek.

Well now I’m just confused, Cosmo. I thought I was supposed to walk around in lingerie all the time and do things like bend over very sexily to pick up that Tylenol I dropped? But now you’re saying I should cover up so that he wants to rip off my clothes?

Okay, Cosmo. You are always right. I won’t question you, O Wise One, and instead I will start covering up. It’ll make him want me even more, right? Suggestions?

[W]rap yourself in a towel postshower, and hang your just-washed bras in your closet instead of on the doorknob where he’ll see them. You want your guy to associate lingerie with your hot body - seeing it as laundry takes away from the allure.

OMG this is such good advice! I had been thinking that my boyfriend was actually a bit too sensitive to deal with realities like “just-washed bras” and “period panties.” “Laundry” just isn’t sexy enough, you know? And if he sees that bras and lacy panties don’t just magically float down from the heavens, he might start to think that I’m an actual person just like him. Why the fuck would I want that?

Also, Cosmo, I’m liking the idea of wrapping myself in a towel postshower. I was trying to come up with ways to make myself feel more uncomfortable in my own home, and ‘not walking around naked’ is just something I’ve always wanted to do. How do you always know me so well? Tell me more.

Another part of maintaining mystery is holding back a bit during conversations.

Excellent. This one’s really great, because if there’s one thing my boyfriend hates, it’s talking to me like a person. Where’s the fun in that?

From now on, here’s how I plan on “holding back” in conversations. Feel free to steal these tips!

• “How are?”
• “I really love.”
• “That is so.”
• “I’m feeling.”

I think he’ll find the way I’m holding back completely irresistible. He’ll be like, “How is WHAT?” and “That is so WHAT?” and it’ll just make him so full of sexy, sexy rage. He’ll be sure to translate that into literally ripping my clothes off. I didn’t need that $75 blouse, anyway, honey!

Send a text to get your guy thinking in a risque way without being overtly sexual (try a photo of the edge of your bare hip with the message, “Just a preview…”).

Might I suggest a few other texts to get him horny?

• “I want to lick you…r stamp collection.”
• “I’m about to put my finger deep inside… of our piggy bank. I’m trying to get that quarter!”
• “I’m feeling dirty… after scrubbing the bathroom.”

These will definitely get him off. He won’t be able to stop thinking sexy things all day!

As for what to wear, Cosmo writes:

Americans tend to save sexy extras like nice lingerie and perfume for special occasions. In contrast, French women incorporate those things into their daily lives.

So, like, I know Cosmo legit just said you should showing off your “lady parts” less, but what they actually meant was just that you should be showing off your lady parts in a more seductive way. Wear lingerie all the time to get your man hot! Wear it to the doctor’s office to get your pap smear! Wear it to the bank to cash that check! Wear it to Subway like you’re picking up so lunch for the kids! The point is: lingerie is hot. And you, silly American? If you want to be hot, you’ve gotta go for it.

You’re probably thinking, “Shit, do I have enough lingerie to adapt it into my daily outfits?”

[French women] spend an estimated 20 percent on their income on lingerie.

So you better fucking step up your game, ladies! I know they say your housing costs shouldn’t exceed 25% of your income, but let’s be real… you don’t need that two-bedroom apartment. Little Timmy doesn’t need a separate room, he’ll be fine in a sleeping bag. What you really need to be spending a fifth of your income on is lingerie that’ll make your man want you. You’re gross without it, honey.

The ultimate French trick to steal? […] The Look: a sexually charged stare (think Angelina Jolie on the red carpet) where you lock eyes for a few seconds, give a little half smile, and then glance away.

Your guy won’t think this is strange at all. And, although Cosmo mentions Angelina Jolie, here’s who I think you should all model your sexyface after: