Cosmo Taught Me: How to Properly Hate Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett Johansson graces the cover of Cosmo’s January 2012 issue. On it, she’s posed in a purple, lacy dress that looks like lingerie (which, quite frankly, I covet, and it needs to find a way into my closet, seriously) and the headline beside her name says: “The Love Rule She Now Swears By.”
It totally makes sense for them to dress her up in something that looks like lingerie because Scarlett Johansson is pretty much known for how sexy and gorgeous she is. How does Scarlett feel about that?
Well, Cosmo calls the article “Scarlett Fever” (get it? because she’s so fucking hot?), then writes:
The 27-year-old is extremely private, and most of the time, she’d rather talk about politics and other world issues than her own life. But tonight, she’s decided to make an exception. The actress wants to discuss the dramatic new direction she’s taking her career in.
Whaaat? ScarJo wants to talk about being a “serious” actress? She doesn’t want to just sit there and look pretty? Cosmo, you’re not going to take this… are you?
And she’s finally ready to open up about what’s going on in her love life too.
OH THANK GOD. As a woman, I simply could NOT sit through an article about this strange thing called “politics” or “sexism in Hollywood” or those boring “other world issues” that ScarJo is so passionate about. Cosmo, you KNOW women don’t give a shit about what another woman thinks! I just want to know two things: who is she fucking and how hard can I judge her?
As a sidenote, I’d also like it if, in your introduction, you include whether she looks absolutely perfect without make-up and if she orders a lot of food at dinner so I can first feel worse about myself (why don’t I look flawless without make-up?) and then better (haha, ScarJo eats more than I do at dinner!). The answer is yes and yes. Of course.
The next section of her article — “A Bombshell With Brains” — signals to me that they’re probably going to be talking about some boring stuff. Like, she’s hot and all, but also smart? Um. Last time I checked, we women don’t like to read about that kind of stuff. Thankfully, Cosmo talks about her appearance first. Yay!
Scarlett is dressed very casually, in fitted trousers and a loose gray tee shirt. Her hair, dyed red for her portrayal of the butt-kicking Black Widow in the superhero film The Avengers, is pulled back into a tight ponytail, and a pair of fashionably thick black glasses adorns her freshly scrubbed face.
These details are very important to further the story.
That is all.
Since her late teens, Scarlett’s physical appeal has been as lauded as her acting skills… But after years of playing objects of male infatuation in films like Lost in Translation, The Other Boleyn Girl, and Vicky Cristina Barcelona, she’s now looking for a much different kind of role.
Well, that took a turn quickly. They only talked about what she’s wearing for, like, a second, and now they’re babbling on and on about how she doesn’t want to be a “sexy”-type of actress anymore? Bo-ring. She’ll never escape being revered for her body/looks until she is old and wrinkly (read: 40) because that’s what she secretly wants.
I can tell it’s what she secretly wants because Cosmo has, in this article alone, already referred to her as a bombshell, filed her story under “What’s Sexy Now,” stuck her in a dress that looks like lingerie, and then used a pull-out box to recap her “Romantic History” (as Cosmo so delicately calls it; the rest of us call it SLUT HISTORY AMIRITE?!?!?!) and break it down into Serious Loves (Ryan Reynolds, Josh Hartnett), Fun Flings (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sean Penn) and Totally Unsubstantiated Rumors (Benicio Del Toro, Kieran Culkin), making it that much easier for us to judge her. That’s what women DO, right? We don’t want to respect this bitch!
“It’s nice for people to think you’re attractive,” she admits. “But I was never, like, a model or anything. I think because I wasn’t 90 pounds and 6 feet tall, I was suddenly this ‘bombshell’ and ‘hourglass’ and all those things, but I never wanted to make my career off of that.”
She is sooooo lying. There’s no way she’s being sincere when she says she’s unhappy being loved for her figure, which is why Cosmo captions photos of Scarlett like this:
The sexy star adored this dress.
And:
Scarlett is famous for channeling Marilyn.
We’re onto you, Scarlett. You wouldn’t have a name like Scarlett if you didn’t like being objectified. And we’re going to objectify you alllll night long. Cosmo’s gonna call you sexy, sensual and seductive, all of which are keywords for: hot but super, super slutty. A woman who is sexually confident and unapologetic about who she sleeps with? Um, whore alert! (Honestly, thank you, Cosmo, for posting that box that tells us who ScarJo has slept with. It’s, like, super important to know. I want to judge that slut so hard!)
Cosmo goes on to talk about how Scarlett has (allegedly) specifically chosen roles that don’t emphasize her sexuality (allegedly) and/or do not include a love story (allegedly):
[In The Avengers] “[t]here’s no romance. I spend the whole film beating the shit out of people…” she says happily. (No doubt, all that training explains her especially trim, fit bod.)
Ughhh, can you believe how arrogant Scarlett is coming across? It’s like, she’s just pretending she thinks beating people up is badass, but she’s totally just using it as an opportunity to mention how hard she’s been training so that Cosmo will write about how beautiful and tiny and bombshelly and fit her hourglass body is. It’s just like how in “Mean Girls,” Regina George says she wants to lose two pounds and then The Plastics are like, “OMG, Regina, you’re so skinny!” — Cosmo is revealing the true Scarlett. She is trying to manipulate us into thinking she doesn’t want to talk about how skinny and hot and slutty she is, when really, that’s all she cares about.
They go on to include a quote from director Cameron Crowe who talks about how great she is at acting, but we know that’s bullshit, so let’s just skip to the next section AKA The Only Section We Women Care About entitled “Her New Love Rule.” (I am so, so glad that they only spent about one-quarter of the article talking about Scarlett’s “serious” acting skills and dedicated the rest of the article to talking about how seductive she is and who she’s slept with.)
Scarlett’s love life has been the subject of tabloid gossip for years-much of it wildly off the mark. One much-publicized rumor is that she once had a quickie with Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. “It’s the worst story ever!” she says, although can she really blame us for loving the visual? […] “I hate how it’s become, like, Hollywood lore, but what are you going to do?”
OMG, she totally doesn’t deny that it happened… she totally fucked him that elevator. Such a slutty thing to do.
The worst thing about Scarlett Jo? She got married to Ryan Reynolds… and fucked it up. Cosmo doesn’t want us just to be pissed because it was Ryan Reynolds, but because what kind of woman fucks up a marriage? I mean, it is the only reason why we are on this Earth — to get married, to pop out babies and then, in between, to hate the SHIT out of other women and to cook dinner and to clean — so Scarlett’s failure reflects horribly on the rest of us.
The lesson she learned from [her marriage and divorce from Ryan Reynolds]: “You have to be very confident and solid within yourself to have a successful marriage.”
Let me translate that for you: she was a selfish girl who fucked everything up and we can (and should) completely judge her because we know everything about her marriage with Ryan Reynolds because we read gossip websites.
Doesn’t hating other women feel good? I am a special snowflake; I’m not like other girls!
Cosmo, you’ve taught us all so well.
