Cosmo Taught Me: Don’t Touch His Stuff. Unless It’s His Penis.
As per my last ask, let’s look at Cosmo’s brilliantly penned article, “His Biggest Turnoffs.” I know what you’re thinking — haven’t we covered this like a bajillion times? He’s turned off by the things I wear, and yuckiness like my period, and how my crying kills his boner.
But the list of things that turns him off is never ending and Cosmo, ever the BFF we’ve always wanted, is constantly looking out for us and saving our relationships by giving us supreme advice.
This time, they’re telling us what we need to avoid doing when we enter our partner’s home. Please tell me it’s not the kitchen, because boy do I love making my man a sandwich!
Cosmo begins:
It may be tough for you to think of your dude’s dwelling as anything more than a showplace for his autographed sports memorabilia. But ladies, don’t assume you can walk in and take over just because of his low-key attitude. […] So beware of these four faux pas in his pad.
You know me, Cosmo, always trying to take advantage of my man’s low-key attitude, which he definitely must have, as evidenced by his sporty apartment. Dudes just don’t sweat the small stuff, unlike us ladies! We just get all freaked out by weird things we shouldn’t worry about and it has nothing at all to do with magazines telling us all the time that we’re really shitty in every way possible.
I digress.
Cosmo says the first thing we need to avoid is claiming closet space in our partner’s home. Personally, I think we should just not take up any space at all because our mere existence outside of the bedroom is offensive.
It’s okay to stash emergency tampons in your man’s medicine cabinet. But if you start staking out his closet, he’ll feel like it’s a full-scale space invasion.
Take it from Reggie,* 29: “The commute to my girl’s office is easier for her from my apartment, so she started staying over during the week,” he explains. “The arrangement was cool until she began to keep more and more stuff at my place. Before I knew it, her dry cleaning was taking up half my closet. I said she could leave a few things, not move in!”
It’s cool if we go over there and give some head, but it’s not cool to leave your shit there. Reggie gets it. He told his girlfriend it was cool if she stayed over during the week, hoping it meant he’d get laid more frequently and that she’d leave sexy things like lingerie at his place. But then his girlfriend started leaving WEIRD STUFF all over the place, like pant suits and a hairbrush. Excuse me, but don’t women just wake up magically beautiful? Don’t they just wear lingerie all the time? Why would you shatter Reggie’s fantasy like that?!
Don’t be like Reggie’s girlfriend and freak him out because then your man will secretly complain to a women’s magazine about you (instead of talking to you civilly about what both of you interpret “leaving a few things” at the apartment to mean and then deal with the situation appropriately) and you’ll be humiliated in front of everyone because you tried to leave a pair of jeans at your man’s house. Oooh, girl.
Also? Don’t try to clean his house.
Says Cosmo,
There’s nothing wrong with a lady’s touch on the domestic front.
Yes, if by “lady’s touch” you mean “TOUCHING HIS PENIS,” amiright?!?!
But make his bed, empty the dishwasher, and fold his laundry and you may begin to remind him of Mom.
Since it’s been biologically proven that women are control freaks who like cleaning and men are total slobs who shirk responsibility, every girlfriend is obviously going to try to clean their boyfriend’s place whenever they are over. He’ll be trying to make you breakfast and you’re all, BUT WAIT, I NEED TO JUST SCRUB YOUR TOILET REAL QUICK.
But don’t do it.
Resist the urge, ladies. I know your hands are practically welded to mop and broom, but you don’t want to remind him of his MOM, do you? His mom was only good for cleaning, so if you start to clean, he’ll get all confused about what your role in life is. (Hint: it is to be quiet and provide him with sex.)
Cleaning caveat: If you make the mess, by all means, tidy up (French-maid costume is entirely optional).
This screams sexy to me, and everyone knows that we all keep our emergency French-maid costumes stashed in our purses. So make this happen.
Next, don’t mess with his toiletries. Cosmo says you should avoid using his toothbrush, drinking his mouthwash from the bottle, shaving your legs with his razor, using nail clippers to cut the tags off a new shirt, and leaving hair anywhere.
Watching contestants devour cow eyeballs on Fear Factor may not gross him out, but having you use his toothbrush? Nasty! […] Simon, 27, has another pet peeve: “My ex used to shave her legs with my razor,” he says. “It dulled the blade, and I’d nick my face.”
Guys know you NEED to brush your teeth and use mouthwash and shave your legs and you can’t comfortably do any of that at his place BECAUSE HE ALREADY TOLD YOU TO LEAVE YOUR SHIT AT HOME (as per rule number 1, mentioned above, via Cosmo), but seriously, don’t touch his fucking stuff. It’s not like you put his dick in your mouth already or anything or that you’ve ever swapped spit before. If you take mouthwash straight from the bottle? It’s over, bitch! Get away with your cooties!
Lastly — and this will come as a complete shock — don’t touch his remote!
Cosmo writes,
[F]eel free to take control in the sack. But c’mon, don’t seize the remote and subject us to America’s Next Top Model.
It’s sad that Cosmo has to keep reminding us of this, but it seems like we keep forgetting: stop trying to take control anywhere but in the bedroom! That is the ONLY place it’s acceptable for women to be controlling. If women try to be the least bit forward outside of the bedroom, they can go ahead and kick rocks.
Why is controlling the remote such a big deal? Clyde, some obviously smart/respectful/secure-in-his-masculinity dude Cosmo interviewed, explains:
“My feeling is that if you let a girl dictate what you watch on television, the next thing you know, she’ll be choosing your outfits and trying to talk you into window treatments.”
Yup. That’s exactly what would happen. Beware.
