Cosmo Taught Me: Guys Who Lack Stereotypical Masculinity are Stupid!
Nothing is worse than a man who doesn’t act like a meat-eating, tool-loving, chest-pounding, sex-obsessed man’s man. I hope you said that last part in your mind in a very gruff, deep voice because those are the only kind of men who matter. If I cut into you and you don’t bleed bacon, you need to go. I will not have a man who doesn’t do things like fix my plumbing, if you know what I mean!
Cosmo agrees. In their article, “Can You Ask Him to Man Up?” (Feb. 2012, p. 96) author/journalist Kristina Grish (who writes monthly columns about her marriage) explores this not-antiquated-at-all notion.
She begins,
Aside from his mother, few people would call my husband, Scott, a manly man. He likes to read and write, and his alpha-male traits are limited to drinking scotch and admiring wolves — that is, if “liking” an “I love Siberian Huskies” Facebook page counts.
HAHA. I can already tell this dude’s a loser.
His lack of stereotypical maleness became particularly obvious when a piece of baseboard in our hallway broke off, and he suggested I “just call someone” to fix it. I did; the guy hammered three nails into the wall and was too embarrassed to charge me for his brief time and effort. When stuff like this happens, I wish Scott would just man up.
Ugh, I agree. Scott is obviously incapable of “manning up” because he didn’t feel like hammering three nails into a wall.
It’s not like YOU could have just taken three motherfucking nails and hammered them into the wall. You’re dainty! Tiny! Precious! Fragile! I mean, what do “nails” even look like? The only nails ladies know about is the ones on their fingers and toes, am I right?! And a “hammer”? Bitch, please.
Why do women like me marry our evolved, sensitive soul mates then secretly wish they’d be more macho?
The better question is: why do sensitive men exist? Yuck.
To be clear, that wasn’t the first time that Scott’s acted a little, um, delicate.
Honey, why are you with a man who acts delicate? Let’s be real, any man who acts LIKE A WOMAN is horrible, because having traditionally feminine traits is the WORST. I almost hate myself because I’m a woman, that’s how repulsive femininity is.
Anyway, tell me more about how your hubby acted all lady-like so we can all judge him.
When he gets sick […] he mopes like a baby. And when a tree branch came loose in our backyard, he had to ask my father to saw it off for us.
Ew, there’s nothing unsexier than a man who asks for help.
Or this:
Guys are no longer ashamed to cozy up with their wife and a glass of wine to talk about feelings or ask for help when they don’t know how to do something. And, really, if I had to choose, I’d take a guy who listens over one who can whittle me a new iPhone case out of wood any day.
I can’t believe homegirl admitted that. I repeat: no woman wants a man who acts feminine! Cosmo tells us this in every issue so we KNOW it must be true! And, of course, talking about feelings and being good with your hands are mutually exclusive. You can’t be a sensitive dude AND know how to fix things. That would be, like… a feminine feminist! Doesn’t exist.
Just to hammer this point home?
I get that Scott will never both build me a dream closet and want to analyze why the experience makes me so happy afterward.
See, y’all? Doesn’t exist.
But how can I get my man to act the way I want him to act at all times?
[Clinical psychologist John] Duffy says I can ask Scott to do small, easy tasks, like painting a wall or checking my car’s oil level, then tell him how sexy he looks doing it to foster more of the same behavior.
I love it. Get your man to “man up.” That doesn’t sound manipulative at all! I love getting guys to do things I want them to do without having to talk to them like a human being! I love changing people! I should definitely marry someone whose behaviors I don’t approve of in the completely accurate and not-weird-at-all notion that I will be the one to change him! So romantic!
Ah, love.
