Cosmo Taught Me: Even if I say no, I want sex; I just need a little prodding!
Are you a man?
Are you tired of your silly woman turning down your sexual advances?
Do you want to know how to get her to bang you even when she totally doesn’t want to and has respectfully said as much?
You’re in luck! Cosmopolitan.com has written a guide for YOU, “How Guys Can and Should Turn Any Mood Into Sexytime.”
1) She is: Excited.
As she’s surfing an adrenaline high, tons of hormones rush through her body, fueling her giddy state. You can hijack that buzz by coming on strong.
It’s interesting that Cosmo chooses to use the word “hijack” here.
- hi·jack/ˈhīˌjak/
- Verb: Illegally seize (an aircraft, ship, or vehicle) in transit and force it to go to a different destination or use it for one’s own purposes.
- Synonyms: kidnap - abduct - ravish
This screams sexy. Men, it’s always a good idea to hijack your girlfriend’s excited feeling (or any of her feelings at all, really) and try to use it for your own sexual gain (and pleasure)!
That isn’t the least bit manipulative, skeevy, or disrespectful at all.
So what exactly does Cosmo recommend as a way for a man to “come on strong” while “hijacking” his girlfriend’s heightened state of excitement?
Walk up behind her, wrap your arms around her waist, press your crotch into her backside, and plant a hot kiss on the side of her neck. Your take-no-prisoners move will release dopamine into her system-a chemical that sparks reactions in the brain’s pleasure centers, igniting feelings of bliss and intensifying her desire for you. Mission accomplished.
Welp, I’m definitely all hot and bothered. First “hijack” then “take-no-prisoners move”? Nothing turns me on more than when having sex with me is described in such graphic (and not at all terrifying) terms. Yum!
But be warned. If she’s excited, DO NOT:
Pour her a glass of wine. By getting her to relax, you’ll dampen her high-intensity adrenaline.
And we’d never want her to own her excited emotion (over her new promotion, an upcoming vacation, or a raise at work) by enjoying a celebratory glass of wine, right? Because what’s in that for you?
2) She feels: Silly.
When a woman is feeling goofy, she wants you to be playful with her as well. If that sounds like an invitation to get hands-on, that’s because it is.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. Every time I’m feeling silly, that’s my playful way of inviting you to get hands-on with my body! Even if I seem like I’m being resistant, it’s all just part of my game!
What to do, according to Cosmo:
Start by tickling her or by giving her a flirty spank. Your goal: Get physical while keeping her laughing, because humor is an awesome aphrodisiac. Once you have her giggling, take the flirting up a notch by grabbing her by the butt and pulling her toward your hips. The motion simulates sex, which will kick those naughty thoughts into gear.
Sexy, right?
But don’t:
Act overly sarcastic. Women like dry humor, but a little goes a long way.
That’s weird. I, as a woman, enjoy sarcasm. Thankfully, Cosmo has informed me that I’m Being A Woman all wrong. Now I can act like the RIGHT kind of woman.
3) She is: Relaxed.
She might not be ready to jump you, but if she’s relaxed, it won’t take much to get her there.
So just give her the gentle prodding she needs and you’ll be watching her pop that pussy in no time, men!
How to do it:
First, slowly pull her close, so that she’s leaning against your chest. The warmth of your body against hers will cause her brain to release a surge of oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone” that boosts intimacy. After a few minutes, lightly run your hand up and down her hip to wake up her nerves. Then let your hand wander to the inside of her thigh. After that, you know what to do.
I really, really love how this move tricks the silly woman’s silly brain into releasing the “cuddle hormone.” She thinks you’re touching her because you want to snuggle with her! HAHA. She’s so fucking wrong. You’re gonna get laid so hard!
That is, as long as you don’t:
Go straight for her boobs or butt. She wants to chill, so a too-direct approach will shut her off.
Tricking her first is key here, boys.
4) She feels: Tired.
Uh oh. How are you going to get her to ride your dick if she’s feeling sleepy?
Since the last thing she probably feels like doing is moving, acknowledging that she has zero energy up front is key if you don’t want her to turn you down. Say, “Long day, huh? Here, sit back and relax.” Then prop her feet up on your lap and massage them – it will warm her up to your touch.
Another sneaky move, Cosmo. I love it! You PRETEND like you’re wanting to massage her just because you “care” about her, but really, you’re just “warm[ing] her up to your touch.” Brilliant!
Warning: Do Not… Wait too long. She could drift off to sleep any second, so you need to act fast.
Therefore, you might even want to skip the part where you warm her up and just stick your penis inside of her, am I right?
5) Her Mood: Bummed
Oh nooo. She’s sad. How can you turn this into something good for YOU(R PENIS)?
Whatever she’s down about, you have to address it or she’ll keep dwelling. Ask what’s on her mind, and give her time to vent. Showing sympathy will make her feel that you’re on her side, which revs up her romantic feelings and increases her desire.
Translation: Pretend that you’re paying attention to her and care about whatever’s bothering her so she’ll want to ride your dick.
Give her a tender kiss, so she feels cared for. Then take one finger and trace her waistline. Make eye contact and slip your finger further down, continuing to kiss as you go – this sends a sexual signal and transforms your kisses from sweet to lusty.
Side note: ignore the tears rolling down her cheeks. She’s being SUCH a drama queen by crying about her cat that’s died. It’s time to get BUSY!
But don’t:
Try to solve her problem. It will just irk her – what she really wants is for you to listen.
So give into that illusion by pretending to. You don’t actually have to listen to her boring problems, she thinks you are, and then you profit.
6) She is: Stressed
Distract her from the stress by offering to make her a cocktail or challenging her to a game of Wii. The action will pump up her endorphins, so her nervous tension will dissipate.
Classic fake-out. Distract her from her problem — while thinking about how badly you want to bang her the entire time — and then boom:
Put your hand on her shoulder and stroke her upper arm in a soothing gesture. After a few seconds, pull her close and give her one more distraction: a sultry kiss that will lead to more.
Cosmo, you are so fucking SMOOTH. That sultry kiss will definitely make her forget about the cut-backs at her job! And, most importantly, she will sleep with her boyfriend.
But remember, you shouldn’t:
Tell her to chill. She’ll freak and think you’re belittling her anxiety, even if you’re just trying to help.
And, let’s be real, we all know she really does just need to chill the fuck out. But we can’t tell HER that, just like we don’t tell girlfriends about ladies on the side, right?
7) Her Mood: Pissed Off
If she’s pissed at you and you want action, you’re better off just apologizing.
Seriously. Just apologize, even if you don’t know why she’s mad. Don’t try to actually talk it out. Don’t try to listen to her. Just apologize because the sooner this is over, the better. You know what they say: happy wife, happy life!
If she senses your sincerity, she will probably feel bad for being so worked up. Coyly ask, “How can I make it up to you?” That should lighten the mood and pave the way for you to give her a hug and squeeze her tightly to you. While still holding her, gently lead her to the nearest couch or bed, lay her down on it, and start kissing up her arm, working your way to her lips.
Warning: Do Not… Try to prove your point. Which feels better: winning an argument or a toe-curling climax? Yeah.
Yeeeeaaahhh buddy! Definitely try to go right in for sex. Even if that’s what you were fighting about in the first place. (But you wouldn’t know because you weren’t listening to whatever that booooring woman was saying.) And then try to climb her like a tree.
This isn’t about mutual respect, y’all. This is about GETTING SOME.
And men, there is totally nothing wrong with manipulating your girlfriend’s feelings and using them to your advantage.
It totally doesn’t make you a jerk.
I swear.
