Cosmo Taught Me: My man is a bad listener (and I talk too much).

It’s that age-old cliche, the idea that ladies yammer on and on about shoes and purses and their hair and men just grunt in reply as they sit and watch football and think that the world would be so much nicer if you girls could just shut up and make them a sandwich! 

And you’re there, all damsel-in-distressy, putting your hand helplessly on your head and thinking, “Why oh why won’t he listen to little ol’ me?”  

Cosmo’s got you covered in their April 2012 “Manly Advice” column called “Wow, Guys Really Are Bad Listeners.” Follow these three super-easy tactics to manipulate get your shitty boyfriend perfect man to listen to you!

Cosmo Taught Me: Being white matters.

When my Cosmo issue came in the mail with Nicki Minaj on the cover a few months back, I was surprised. Not because I don’t adore Nicki Minaj (I do), but because a black woman was on the cover of the magazine. Compared to my stack of other magazines, and thinking back on previous Cosmo issues, this felt odd.

The unfortunate truth is that most magazines (especially their covers) are overwhelmingly white. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact, something that has become so pervasive in the magazine industry that some magazines resort to having an “all-black” issue of their magazine – the implication being that the norm is, of course, white.

Just how many black women and women of color have even been on the cover of Cosmo recently?

In 2011, only 3 of the 12 covers featured women of color — Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Kim Kardashian. The rest? White.

Where are the Latina women? East Asian women? South Asian women?

I decided to take a look at Cosmo’s covers for the past 10 years (2001-2011) to see whether anything had changed.

Here’s what I found.

Cosmo Taught Me: How to Look Hot for Guys.

Cosmo loves doling out advice about how women should look in order to nab a man. You’re the bait, ladies, and you’ve got a hook totally skewed through your body and you’re just dangling there at the end of that fishing pole trying to lure that fish-man in. I mean, there is nothing sexier than that, right?

But you aren’t just going to reel that man in by looking like yourself. Let’s get one thing straight: you are gross.

That is why Cosmo presents the very-important column, “How to Look Hot for Guys: Girl-Next-Door Edition.”

Here’s a description of what the average “girl next door” looks like, according to Cosmo:

Touch-me hair, gorgeous skin, pink lips…guys can’t get enough of the all-natural look.

Men, if you’re reading, you’re probably rocking a boner just reading that. Who is the “girl next door” that we should emulate? None other than breathtakingly gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence, star of the upcoming film series “The Hunger Games.”

But wait!

Cosmo “Top Commenter” Paul Faulkenham disagrees.

He writes,

This is Jennifer Lawrence:

Can’t you see how fat she is? How saggy her breasts are? How her face has too much make-up?

Paul does. Paul sees it. And you know what advice he has for you?

It doesn’t matter, women, if you are bombarded with messages telling you you are only pretty when you’re wearing make-up. It sure as hell doesn’t matter if you like wearing make-up for YOURSELF. Honey, please! Your decision to wear make-up is selfish because it deceives your man! Paul explains:

Do you feel enlightened?

I sure do.

Paul’s comments aside, the truth is that most men DO find Jennifer Lawrence attractive, which is why Cosmo gives a bunch of tips on how you transform yourself into a girl-next-door like her. But do you really want to bother trying to look like her, with your unsexy do-not-touch-me hair, your scaly skin, and your pale lips? No, right? Because you’re, like, a lost cause.

The only way to succeed?

Your very own Jennifer Lawrence mask!*

There are no eye holes because your eyes are not as pretty as hers and, honestly, you don’t really need to see because it doesn’t matter what YOU like, it only matters that HE likes YOU. Also, it’s black and white, but I don’t think men will notice.

Be the bait, ladies. Be. The. Bait.

*Ladies who are falling over themselves to get to Paul and his A+ attitude, do not wear this mask. A paper bag will suffice.

"91% of men say they’d pay $1,000 to make sure what happens at a bachelor party stays there."

Cosmopolitan taunts us with a statistic sure to make women everywhere fret over whether their guy is cheating on them at a party, undoubtedly so that they can capitalize on this later and write an article like “50 Ways to Tell Your Guy is Cheating” or “What He’s Really Doing at the Bachelor Party” when in reality, all you have to do is communicate and set boundaries beforehand and any mature, respectable, worthwhile boyfriend will be happy to come to a mutual agreement (p. 92, March 2012).

"The lip bite brings out his inner caveman. Why? It causes blood to rush to your lips, which plumps and reddens your pout. Both are signs of fertility, and when a guy sees them, it sets off his primitive instincts. […] The gesture also suggests that you’re struggling to figure something out, which sparks his curiosity."

Cosmopolitan on “Guys Decoded: Why He Loves When You Bite Your Lip,” as it continues to demean men and consistently refers to them as “caveman” and “animalistic” and reinforces the idea that women should merely exist to give men an ego boost (p. 88, March 2012). Other ways to bring out your man’s “primitive” side include spearing and skinning an elephant and chomping raw meat. Let’s not forget to mention the implication that when you look like you’re “struggling to figure something out,” men find it irresistible, because there’s nothing sexier than women who play dumb!

Cosmo Taught Me: Even if I say no, I want sex; I just need a little prodding!

Are you a man?

Are you tired of your silly woman turning down your sexual advances?

Do you want to know how to get her to bang you even when she totally doesn’t want to and has respectfully said as much?

You’re in luck! Cosmopolitan.com has written a guide for YOU, “How Guys Can and Should Turn Any Mood Into Sexytime.”

Cosmo Taught Me: Secret Ways to Find Out He’s Into Me.

Asking guys if they’re into you is far too bold and, quite frankly, logical. So Cosmo presents a small article detailing “3 Clues He’s Secretly Into You” (Feb. 2012, p. 64): 

1) He makes the okay sign.

Cosmo says he might make this unconscious “approval gesture,” which means, YOU’RE IN LUCK. He approves of your ugly face!

2) His thumbs point up.

If he does two thumbs up at the same time, it means he wants to sensually make them disappear into your body (orifice to be determined).

3) He flashes the I-love-you-signal.

In sign language, of course. Cosmo doesn’t specify what it means if he’s wearing an I-love-you hat, but I personally think it means he wants to birth your babies.

Other secret movies that show he’s into you (which I’m sure Cosmo will put in their next issue)?

He does the worm. Like, in the middle of your conversation. You’re talking about how your dad has always been disappointed in you for not becoming a doctor, and he just feels so emotionally attached to you that he needs to get down on the ground and hump it (pretending it’s you). See:

This guy knows what I’m talking about. He’s wooing the motherfuckin’ LADIES right now.

He gets up and starts to dance for you — but not just any dance. It MUST be the sprinkler.

Are you feeling aroused looking at this photo, ladies? You should be. (Side note: if he gets up and does the funky chicken dance, it means he has probably used a cherry bomb to kill a squirrel once when he was a kid. Beware.)

He falls. Literally. On the ground. Because he’s so into you that he’s actually falling for you. Where do you think they came up with that expression “fall in love”? It wasn’t because most people do it in autumn, people.

Make sure you write these tips on your hand or something so you can tell when a guy is SUPER into you!

Good luck!

"Shocker: This word is a turn-off to guys. It’s not marriage or period. [I]t’s the F bomb — more than half [of the men polled] said it’s unattractive. […] Experts say it’s like burping. He knows you do it, but he’d rather think you don’t…. so you maintain a sexy, girlie mystique."

Cosmopolitan Magazine defines what it means to be “sexy” and “girlie” and that’s hiding things from your guy, even small things, like saying FUCK. (Feb. 2012, p. 65)

Cosmo Taught Me: Guys Who Lack Stereotypical Masculinity are Stupid!

Nothing is worse than a man who doesn’t act like a meat-eating, tool-loving, chest-pounding, sex-obsessed man’s man. I hope you said that last part in your mind in a very gruff, deep voice because those are the only kind of men who matter. If I cut into you and you don’t bleed bacon, you need to go. I will not have a man who doesn’t do things like fix my plumbing, if you know what I mean!

Cosmo agrees. In their article, “Can You Ask Him to Man Up?” (Feb. 2012, p. 96) author/journalist Kristina Grish (who writes monthly columns about her marriage) explores this not-antiquated-at-all notion.

"Johnny Depp wearing nail polish is maybe okay because, well, he’s damn sexy. But we’re not sure about companies selling it to the average guy. AlphaMale, for example… [has] the tagline “for the no-nonsense rebel inside all of us.” Here’s to hoping dudes don’t buy into it."

Cosmopolitan Magazine calls this a “Questionable Guy Trend” and shows us its narrow-minded view of what men should look like by hoping they don’t start doing something silly like being feminine. (Feb. 2012, page. 62)